Acquire money, fuck Gleeks.

Once upon a time on a car trip to the far off dimension that is Palmerston North, I was assaulted by the musical stylings of the Glee cast doing their rendition of Gold Digger. As much as my eardrums bled all over the upholstery, after everything had clotted back up again, I had to admit that the song wasn’t actually too bad. Don’t go taking this as a revelation, people (looking at NO ONE FROM CHRISTCHURCH IN PARTICULAR). I still despise Glee with the fervour reserved for Hollywood B-listers and  the gum at the bottom of my boot. But listening to the song, and taking the show into valid consideration, i.e. with shit and gigs, it got me thinking.

What is Glee?

Alright, alright. No need to get all smartass with me. I know Glee is a TV show. A horrible, tacky TV show. But then I had to think a little harder as to what made Glee sell better than chocolate chip cupcakes wedged in the pages of the latest Twilight novel set when Edward looks at Jaspar with an awkward….longing (just to please the fanfic writers, I suppose). It’s not a drama, because there’s too much of that going around, bout of the medicinal and soap flavours. It’s definitely not a musical, because the plot in Glee and the music in Glee is like the relationship between a desperate businessman and a Bangkok stripper. No, after a long hard look at everything that Glee has, and my extensive catalogue of “oogity-boogity”-ness, I have reached my final verdict on the matter.

It’s a fucking game show.

Let’s look at this logically here. What is a game show? I’m going to shame myself here and use a quote from Wikipedia instead of attacking it in my usual way. A game show is “a type of radio or television program in which members of the public or celebrities, sometimes as part of a team, play a game which involves answering questions or solving puzzles usually for money and/or prizes.” Go look it up, I control-V-ed that shit. So, those with a goatee and a smarmy look about you would go “what are you on and where can I get some, yo?”. Well, from the definition, though a little too specific for my liking, it pretty much fits the description of Glee right down to that stupid L thing with the hand they do in the logo. Ffs.

Let’s break this down, and get one thing off the starting block with a hiss and a roar: Glee is dramatized out its fictional sphincter. Every single character’s traits are blown to Jupiter. The cheerleader’s tits are sublime. D. Criss is like the fucking Dorian Grey. And Chris Colfer is doing a terribly good job of being terribly awkward. But I’m not slagging the actors. Hell, I’m probably the first to raise my hands in surrender and say that Criss is one of the most talented musical performers of our generation. But, in saying that, what he is doing in Glee forces me to drop palms and bombs. As well as whatever I was holding on to at the time. See, Glee is so dramatized, it makes Bold and the Beautiful look serious. It’s all so saccarine and happy families the way thje whole thing plays out. Even the bad moments are overdone with this blasé naivety that makes me want to gag. And drop the thing I just picked up from the last time I dropped it.

But the brunt force trauma of the rake of truth is that it’s simple. It’s dumb. It’s mindless. And our generation isn’t the sharpest thorn in the gene thicket. I’m pretty sure the whole hipster thing was caused by some serious hemorrhaging in the douche colon of some poor bastard. But I digress. The fact is, it’s so mindless, people nomanomanom it down super easy. The plot is this. Insert character X. Give them character/love interest/goal/mythical dragon Y. Sing song Z that has nothing to do with anything. Give them Y. End of episode. How does that not sound like a game show? Okay, maybe there’s some hoops they have to jump through, but every game show doesn’t just give shit away. Them bastards have to grind for their high school sweethearts, and perform Les Miserables while they’re at it.

But the real factor lies in the gimmick. Every game show in the history of anything had some sort of cheap gimmick. Jeopardy had its big question board, Legends of the Hidden Temple had a giant fiberglass pedophile sticking out of a wall wanting to eat you and the Wheel of Fortune had…well. You get the gist of the tassel I’m swinging. Once you grab a hold of its fluffy goodness, you realize that Glee has the same thing. Its gimmick is musical performances. See, if it were a real musical, they’d get off their asses and write some decent lyrics to utilize what talent they have on tap. But, instead, they choose to commercialize the franchise by covering “classic” songs from other people. I say “classic”, because the next time I have to hear that “Bills, Bills, Bills” song I may have to strangle a puppy (which, just to spark controversy, is a terrible song, and why they had to hold a gun to D. Criss’s temple for him to do it is mildly understandable). Why? Because they need the audience interaction to make the story seem appealing. They need the gimmick to rope the audience, feel sympathy for the character and spur them on to get the prize at the end. Think of the songs as, say, questions in the quiz show, if you will.

But, following this structure (with some minor exceptions, because I don’t go typing this shit without giving a small waft of it first), Glee is so cheap and gimmicky it must fall into this rut. And now, since the audience have changed, they’ve fallen into the Warbler/Klaine phase of the show. It might as well be called the “gay-boys-hit-on-everything-and-sing-about-it” show now. And no one would exactly complain, just so long as it scratches that tumorous itch they have from the satisfaction of X using Y to get Z. And the whole alphabet, knowing D. Criss (heyoh). Even Sue Sylvester. What the fuck. The only real character in the plot, the only one that goes “fuck this gimmick, let’s make a serious show”, is singing a motherfucking Madonna song by the second season. It’s like one of the producers was seriously trying to breathe life into this thing before he saw no point, commited suicide via BILLS BILLS MOTHERFUCKING BILLS, and the rest of them went “well, she hasn’t had a number yet”. Death to all realism right there.

So, Glee is a game show. Fine. But I want to rewind a little to the point I made about Glee not being a musical. People have started to associate this show with the likes of Grease, Cats and, Hyne smite me for saying this, the Rocky Horror Picture Show, which Glee tried to imitate and started sounding like cats being strangled by dogs being strangled by your mother. And for that, young connoisseurs, I will allow you the privilege of a slap from the rake I have so wonderfully provided in section F-5b in my insurance claim (it’s in my Tumblr somewhere, if you wanna find it). Glee is NOT a musical. It isn’t fit to be anything of the sort, in any nation of any continent, ever. Period. I’m done. See ya. Game over.

Oh, must I explain that now? Okay, fine. See, RHPS, Grease and Cats, as well as Les Miserables, Wicked, Rent, Jesus Christ Superstar and all these other classic musicals use songs as a medium for advancing the plot. These songs are wonderfully orchestrated to set mood, tone and sometimes even lyrically pose dramatic irony to the physical, non-singing aspect of the musical. The music in the musical has its place, and is integrated seamlessly into the plot like a silk scarf into a Coco Chanel outfit (notgay). Everything has a purpose. Fast track to Glee, and it says in the title: DEM BITCHES SING, YO. ROLL WIT IT.

The music is cheap, commercialized and nine times out of ten is so far removed from the plot it should be in House or something. Even High School Musical did this shit better. At least their petty subplot of high school angst had a soundtrack that stuck better than this tripe. And that spawned a generation that was mildly more bearable than “gleeks”. A subculture who only knows Queen because they heard a cheap Taiwanese knockoff of Bohemian Rhapsody from a guy who looks like he should be exported to France, the motherfucker. And good riddance. It had to be the worst cover of a famous song since I kazzooed the entire intro to Requiem of a Dream.

Glee cannot ever exist in the same vein because it dug itself a hole it now can’t climb out of. These actors should get off this sinking ship while they still can, because their entire future career rests on where Glee goes. Just bail already. Hell, Slash (lead guitarist of GnR, who MADE his songs like a big boy) agrees with this point of view, saying Glee is worse than Grease. And guess what? And this is a real quote from the producer Ryan Murphy responded with “Usually I find that people who make those comments, their careers are over; they’re uneducated and quite stupid.” Not to mention he’s throwing a tantrum at Kings of Leon. Obviously, the proposal to molest one of their most famous songs hit a strong nerve with the rock band. And now Murphy’s just decided to slag on the fact he can’t steal more content from real musicians, saying this: “F—- you, Kings of Leon, they’re self-centered assholes, and they missed the big picture.” If you wanna see the shitstorm for yourself, this is the link here.

But the whole point I’m trying to get across here is that Glee is nothing new, and nothing exciting. Why people are acting like it’s their wet dream blows my mind. It’s a shitty program with a shitty plot, shitty knockoff music, with people in it that shouldn’t be there because they could be doing something better (like fucking BUSKING) with a producer that acts like the seven year old audience he’s trying to reach. All for the sake of loving a game show. It’s like having a hernia over Jeoperdy because the host is your secret love pillow fantasy. Now there’s an image and a half.

In closing, wake up, Gleeks. Go outside, watch some real musicals. Maybe it’ll give you some perspective. And that’s how “Sue C’s it”, motherfuckers.

God, I’m going to hell.

Peace out, y’all.